Turtles and Giraffes

David and Peter had their first commitment ceremony in 1990 when they had been together for twelve and a half years. “It was our one-eighth century anniversary!” David quips. “Our relationship has gone through various stages. For the first five years we were lovers. Then we were like roommates. We bought this house together when we had been together for five years. Then we took a trip across Canada on a train in 1989 and fell in love again. It was a year later that we had our commitment ceremony.” David had recently learned that he was HIV positive. “In ‘87 I was pretty ill. I didn’t know how long I was going to live. And I loved this man. After our trip he said he wanted to give me a ring. I didn’t know if he meant telephone ring or wedding ring.” Peter laughs at this. “He didn’t actually propose to me. But that’s how it happened.”

The card that Peter sent David after their first date. They now have a collection of turtle and giraffe figurines, drawings and other representations that they have gathered over the years.

“I told my mother that we were going to send them an invitation to a life partner commitment ceremony. And she kept saying, ‘This isn’t a wedding, is it?’ But basically it was a wedding. We had a rabbi perform the ceremony.”

The ceremony took place September 23, 1990. Peter describes the setting. “It was in Saratoga. There’s an American youth hostel up in the hills and we had stayed there several times and had gotten to know the couple who ran the place. To make extra money they do weddings there. Probably the main thing that we have in common is that we both love to be in nature.” David adds, “On one of our first dates he took me up to Alum Rock park and made me breakfast on his camping stove. I was impressed!”

Peter continues, “But we didn’t know if she had any same-sex weddings. So at some point we said we were having this commitment ceremony. She said they already had their quota for the year but that she’d squeeze us in because they liked us. She made the food and just charged us for the ingredients. It was really nice.”

In 2004 when the weddings were taking place at City Hall in San Francisco, David and Peter really wanted to get married. They hoped to marry on March 19, the anniversary of the day they met, but the court stopped the weddings before then. “Peter proposed to me, and I said, ‘Not without a diamond engagement ring!’ I had that ring for 4 years before we could get married. Our rings are made out of rose gold, which is gold with copper in it, to remind us of a trip we took to Bisbee, Arizona.”

In 2008, David says, “We were going to get married in Canada in the summer. My cousin and his wife were going to have a big party for us and have the wedding on their property south of Vancouver. But then of course the California Supremes did what they were going to do in May, and Peter really wanted to get married in California.”

Peter interjects, “Because we live here.”

David continues, “So the party in Canada turned into an engagement party. My youngest brother came up from Seattle. And my cousin held the party. His ex-wife and current wife and all their kids and grandkids were there. And then one of my other cousins from the central part of British Columbia and his second wife and his daughter from a previous marriage came. For the wedding, Peter, because he had the ins with Gavin Newsom wanted Gavin to marry us. We really tried to get September 23 which was our original commitment ceremony day but the mayor was in China that day so we had to do it a week later on the 30^th of September. Gavin married us in his office with six of our friends present.”

Peter says, “Looking back, as a kid it was hard to imagine that same sex couples could get married. When there was a push to extending marriage to same sex couples I originally didn’t understand why it was such a big deal because we had domestic partnership. But it just seems to feel different. We’re legally married. To me it just seems to add some legitimacy to it. To be able to say, ‘You’re my husband.’ David came up with a new word, ‘husner’, because he likes partner and I like husband.”

David says, “Husband. I just don’t like the word. I think part of that too is because of my identification as being intersex. So what does that mean? What does gay mean? What does straight mean? Opposite sex? Same sex? Whole different ballgame.”*

Still, Peter says with a mischievous grin, “I use husband when he’s not around. Or my other 2/3.”

David adds, “The little woman at home! My other 1/3,” and then continues, “We registered as domestic partners everywhere we could. We did the registered domestic partnership in 1991. There was a ceremony in the Herbst Theater. They announced couples and we came down. This was different from domestic partnership. It was some sort of civil ceremony. We did that. But I have to say, ‘domestic partner’ really doesn’t do it. Being married, everybody knows what the hell you’re talking about. But domestic partners, most people assume you’re monogamous and well . . . some are and some aren’t. I think a lot of people think . . . I guess the thing that I don’t like about the straight community is that they say about gay people that all they ever do is have sex. Really? We also cook and take care of a cat. Sex is way low on the totem pole. If it happens it happens, but there’s so many other things to life.

“But marriage really does give some legitimacy to the relationship. As opposed to people we know who get married and get divorced, get married and get divorced. The fact that we’ve been together for 32 years and in that time have had an open relationship and been okay with it.”

Peter tells me, “Both David and I have two brothers, so there’s six men in the family . . .”

David corrects him, “Five men and me.”

Peter continues, “Right. Anyway, all six of us are still with our original partners. The other four are straight, but they’ve been married for 30 or 40 years. Which I think is kind of interesting because I think it’s unusual. David’s older brother next year will have been married to his wife for fourty years. Nancy and Peter’s older brother got married in 1963.”

The commitment ceremony, with the gathered family

David says, “So they’ve been married almost fifty years. Good role models. My parents were married almost fifty eight years before they passed away. To me it’s like a natural progression: Love relationship, companionship, friendship, marriage. It kind of all goes together. And I sure am glad I found this one. I used to call him my rock. He’s so much like my father. I often to tell people I married my father. They’re both engineers. They’re both analytical. They both file everything. Neatly. And I’m very much like my mother. I decorate. This whole house is my creation. Peter had nothing to do with it. And he usually runs when I say, ‘Honey, why don’t you decorate the guest room?’ I told him that a year ago and there’s still nothing on the walls.”

I ask if anything has changed since getting married. David says, “I think it’s a serious state of affairs to be married. And I think I’m more pissed about not having legal rights and the federal level. We are very responsible for each other and for what we need to do in life and I feel discriminated against because we’re not recognized as a married couple on the federal level. And the taxes and all the hassles. I feel more bugged than ever being legally married and not having those rights.”

Peter says, “I don’t think it’s made a big difference in my everyday life but it does seem to me to feel more legitimate. Like, he’s my husband and we’re married and to not have to explain to people.”

David suddenly turns to Peter, looks at him intently, then reaches over and pushes Peter’s nose with an index finger. Peter makes a funny whooping noise, then turns to me.

“We took a clown class together. I have trouble loosening up and getting into things. So we found a clown class in San Francisco and one of the funny things is that you press the other person’s nose and you get a reaction and you never know what it will be. Humor is very important in a relationship. In our original vows there was a statement about how we cherish our independence and respect each other’s need for independence. We have things in common and we have a lot of things not in common and we both realize we need our own space. I have a lot more energy and like to run around and see things and David is a lot more subdued so when we travel we spend some time together and then we go and do our own thing. Which I think is one of the secrets of the length of our relationship. We give each other space when we need it.”

When I ask what words best describe their relationship, David says, “Comical. Rich, rich, companionship. Good friendship. Soulmates. Nature lovers.”

Peter says, “Loving and committed. We were watching a documentary on gay relationships and the thing they mentioned that resonated with both of us is having common values. It’s easier to be in a relationship with someone if you have common values. And being in the same generation. I think that as we get older and deal with different phases of our lives and have different physical issues I think it’s easier to appreciate what the other person is going through when you’re about the same age.”

David adds, “The sad thing about growing old together is that you realize one of you has to die first. So you really have to relish the time you have together. I didn’t think I’d live to be 40 let alone 62. So I’m still here. I’m looking forward to being 70. I haven’t quite gotten to the 80s yet but 70 is okay. I’m glad that Peter has youthful genes.”

Jen and Dee
“I’ll marry you as many times as I need to.”

Jen and Dee met in law school. They had known each other for about a year when Dee invited Jen and Jen’s friend Amy to go to Mendocino for Jen’s birthday. Amy declined. Dee says with a smile, “I was not disappointed when she decided not to come.”

They began dating after that trip. “We almost missed all of our finals. Then we dated long distance for a summer because Dee had an internship in Ohio and I was here in the city. But by the end of that summer, we’d spent a lot of time together and then Dee had to make the decision about where she was going to go when she graduated. I had already planted myself firmly here in San Francisco.”

Dee had an offer to work for a judge on the Alaska Supreme Court for a year after law school, but she decided to stay in San Francisco to be with Jen. “It wasn’t that difficult a choice, really. We met when I was 35. I had had a lot of jobs and law was my second career. I knew there was not going to be someone else like Jen. It made my first 6 or 7 years of practice very difficult because I hadn’t built the networks here in town that you need to build. So it did have severe consequences career-wise but I’ve never regretted it. I’ve never thought that I made the wrong choice.”

In 2004 they were planning a commitment ceremony. Dee says, “We were trying to decide what it was going to look like and we were going back and forth, partly because we wanted to take a small group of people up to Mendocino for a weekend and get married there because it was special to us, but on the other hand we didn’t want to not invite the extended family. And once you do that it starts to get bigger. So we were just kind of stymied about what we wanted our commitment ceremony to look like.”

One day during this time, Jen came home and Dee said to her, “We can get married! Have you read the papers?” Jen answered, “Well, we can’t get married just because we can.” Jen adds, “I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. I don’t think I reacted very well because I was still processing it. I didn’t immediately say, ‘Oh yes! Absolutely! Tomorrow—let’s do it!’ I just kept saying, ‘He did what? We can do what? I don’t understand.’ But I got to work the next day and in that 12 hour period of time it had sort of sunk in. My best friend Amy, the woman who introduced us in law school, called me and said, ‘So, are we all going down to the courthouse?’ I told her, ‘I feel really bad because Dee asked me to marry her last night and I don’t think I reacted very well.’ ”

Amy tried to reassure her. “Think about it, Jen. It’s Friday morning. I’m sure someone will go to court today and try to stop the weddings. But what’s the likelihood that a San Francisco judge is going to hand down an injunction in one day? I don’t think it’s going to happen. I think you can take the weekend and get your folks down here. I think you can get married on Monday. If they stop the weddings it probably won’t be until Monday.” Jen hung up the phone and thought, “Oh my god! They could stop the weddings! We have to get married! We have to get married NOW! We have to do it RIGHT NOW!”

“So in 12 hours I did a complete 180. The next thing I did was I called Dee. I got her voicemail and I left her a message. ‘Honey, we have to get married today. I hope you’re there. Can you call me? It’s really, really important that you call me.’ And then I got off the phone and I thought, ‘Oh great. She’s in a meeting or she’s out of the office. What am I going to do?’ And I had this image of her secretary having her page throughout the law firm: ‘Dee Bardwick, Dee Bardwick. Jennifer McGlone wants to marry you. Will you please pick up the phone?’ ”

Dee called Jen back in a few minutes and said, “I’m on the next train. I’ll meet you at the BART station.” “She didn’t pause at all, she was just, Boom, I’m right there, which was so sweet. She didn’t give me a hard time.”

Jen went to tell one of her law partners that she was taking the rest of the day off. “She said, ‘Okay.’ And I said, ‘Don’t you want to know why?’ And she said, ‘I trust you. Take the day off if you need to.’ I said, ‘Well, I’m getting married!’ And then she said, ‘Oh my goodness, we have to go buy you a dress! Let’s go buy you a dress!’ But I said, ‘No, you don’t understand. I’m going to meet Dee at the BART station right now.’ She couldn’t wrap her head around the idea that I was going to get married in my casual Friday attire.”

Dee describes the scene at City Hall. “It was wonderful. Everyone was crying. The people who were officiating were crying. The people down at City Hall who were giving out the paperwork were crying. They had all been working nonstop, as they continued to do for as long as the weddings went on. They were lovely.”

Jen says, “It was a big party. You would walk in to get your marriage license and everyone was lining the halls, and every time anyone got their marriage license and came out of the office the whole crowd cheered. For every single couple. The whole city was having a party that day. People were out in droves doing whatever they could. You would walk down the street and everyone was so happy for everyone else.”

“We came home and we were exhausted so I called our local pizza place and said, ‘We just got married. Can you make us a heart-shaped pizza?’ and that was our honeymoon dinner. It was such an adrenaline rush.”

They celebrated their tenth anniversary on May 5 this year. “We have so many anniversaries. We all do. They just pile up. We celebrate May 5 because that’s the anniversary that we chose for ourselves when we started to have a committed relationship. That was the weekend we went to Mendocino. And then we got married on February 13 of 2004. A lot of extended family members call on that day, and our downstairs neighbors do, too, which is very sweet. And I can absolutely see the reason for that. But those marriages were annulled. So we just sort of stuck with our May 5 date.”

Jen continues, “Then we got married again just this last spring. So then we would have technically three anniversaries to celebrate. Which is again not a bad thing, but it gets a little complicated. It’s difficult for the parents and extended family members to remember. My grandparents have this book and anytime anything major happens like a graduation or a wedding, they take a bunch of pictures and they write about it and they put it in the family book. Anytime anyone wants to know someone’s birthday or anniversary they look at the book. It has every house they’ve ever lived in, every child ever born, every grandchild ever born. My mother says that our anniversary is February 13 of 2004 because it’s in the family book. To them it doesn’t matter what the State of California says, it’s in the book that our anniversary is February 13, 2004!”

In 2008, Jen says, “We decided we would get married to make it legal again. We already considered ourselves married.” She turns to Dee, “But I’ll marry you as many times as I need to.” This time there was more opportunity to plan. “We didn’t want a really big party but we did want to have our families and close friends with us.”

They got married at City Hall again. Jen says, “We actually got the dresses and the flowers and wrote vows this time. I bawled. We had thought, oh no this is just making it formal. We already did this once. Nothing’s changed. Oh my goodness, I cried like a baby. The tears were about the vows. Looking at Dee, saying those words and having my family there. I could look over her shoulder and there was my mother who was also bawling, and Amy, our good friend.

“I suspected I was going to cry because I had written our vows and I was practicing them in the car and I couldn’t get through them. So I tried to throw out the more personal aspects of the vows just so that I could get through them without crying. But no, I couldn’t. Everyone else cried too. And then I went to put the ring on her finger and put it on the wrong hand.”

Dee says, “I don’t remember any of that. None of that mattered.”

Jen adds, “There were two men waiting to get married right behind us who had flown in all the way from Arkansas and we just thought how lucky we were that it was here in our city that we could do this so that we could have our close friends here with us.”

Their son Jasper is about 20 months old. Jen tells me, “We talked about having a baby for a long time and then when we decided to try it took us about a year to have Jasper. It was a long, difficult process. I gave birth to Jasper and Dee was very, very supportive the whole way through because it wasn’t clear that I was going to be able to conceive. So we were definitely going through some intensive medical procedures to try to get pregnant and she was really great the whole way through. And then she was great to me for another year while I was pregnant. And then we had Jasper and she’s still being great. He’s a toddler now and he has tons of energy.”

For Jen, “Being married is the decision to make a lifetime commitment to someone who you are going to be with and build your life with forever. It is a commitment to that person and the family you decide to create with that person.”

For Dee, marriage is “a celebration of finding someone unique. It’s a way of identifying, of publicly stating that you believe in your love for this person. For me it’s this person above all others. For me getting married was 90% emotional and 10% political.”

“Most people don’t think about marriage as bringing legal rights; most people think of it as making an emotional commitment to someone they love and bringing that person into their family. But it does have a lot of attendant legal rights. So when we went down to get our domestic partnership it was because our first marriage had been annulled and Jasper was on the way and we needed to protect him as best we could.”

“The domestic partnership for me was purely legalistic. I mean, they were very sweet at the office. They made it very touching and they said, ‘We’re so happy for you,’ and they were lovely. Registering as domestic partners was not anything that we invited anyone to or celebrated. It was just sort of a check on the list of things that we felt we ought to do. I’m glad we have the option. It wasn’t a sweet and gooey kind of romantic thing. It was just very much a way of trying to protect our family as best we could.

When I ask what words they would use to describe their relationship, Dee says, “The first word that comes to mind is ‘married.’ ” Both women laugh, then Dee continues, “Stable, loving, supportive, challenging.” At this, Jen laughs, and Dee goes on, “I believe all relationships are challenging and this one is like any other, there are good times and bad times. Part of it is commitment. That’s one thing that I have no doubt over is that we are both completely committed to each other and to our son and to our family, which is a source of great comfort.”

Jen says, “I agree. What she said,” and Dee smiles, “That’s a first, ladies!”

Jen goes on, “I just wrote Dee a note the other day and I said that I am grateful for how supportive and nurturing and caring she is and that we’ve built a life for ourselves that I cherish. That we have built the kind of adult life that makes me very happy and allows me to be the person that I want to be. That’s all about her. That I’ve found her and that she’s there for me.”

“It feels different in a big way.”

“We met on-line through a dating service for positive individuals because we’re both HIV positive. That’s something that we don’t hide.” Ray says, “It was kind of funny because I had just gotten out of a relationship about six months before. And the person I dated before was a Pisces. I told one of my best friends at the time, ‘There is no way I’ll date another Pisces ever!’ And then I come across Paul’s profile and start reading it. I thought he seemed like a great guy. So we emailed back and forth and he sends me a this great email, a really long one. At the very end of it he stated that he’s a Pisces and I was like, ‘Oh! That’s it. I can’t do it.’ ”

Paul had “been single for quite a long time but had really wanted to meet somebody and get in a relationship and settle down. It was the old cliché that it will happen when you least expect it. I had just kind of given up when I met Ray.”

Ray says, “We both decided when we first started dating and it was getting serious that we weren’t going to rush into anything. And then, after about two months of dating? Did we make it that long? He wanted me to move in.” Ray laughs. “But we still weren’t going to take anything too fast. And then a month after that he proposed to me.”

The following October they went to Maui and had a commitment ceremony with a few friends in attendance. They hired a couple who had been recommended to them to perform the ceremony. “One was the photographer, the other was the licensed minister, and they did a very traditional wedding, with the leis for men and Hawaiian chants. They knew all the traditions. But we each wrote our own vows as well as part of the ceremony.”

Ray says, “You know, we’re a couple so we went out together and stayed in the same condo. But that morning, we separated because I told Paul I didn’t want to see him until we were down at the beach. It was really strange for me because at that time, the only view or vision I’d ever had of being with somebody was just me saying yes, we’ll be partners or be together. And even though it wasn’t legal in the eyes of the law, it was legal in my heart. And so that morning I spent a real good amount of time soul searching, just making sure. It was an eye opener because I had never had that feeling before, and it really caught me off guard. I just did a little meditation and just walking on the beach, and getting my thoughts together, and that’s when I wrote my vows. Not anytime before that.”

A year after that, when California extended the same rights to domestic partners as to married couples, Paul and Ray registered as domestic partners, though that held little significance for them emotionally. “The important thing was the ceremony and the knowing we were going to be together.”

They did not get married in 2004 “because we knew they wouldn’t stand up. Ray is active in gay military issues because he’s a former marine, and I’ve been really involved in GLBT activism for a long time. We just knew it wouldn’t hold up legally. Even though it was a ceremonial time, we’d already done that in Maui, and just didn’t feel that we needed to go . . . .” Ray interjects, “I didn’t want 6 anniversaries, you know?” and they laugh. Paul continues, “We were going to wait until we could really, truly get legally married.”

In 2008, “We were an old married couple by then. It was like, ‘You wanna?’ ‘Yeah, you wanna?’ ‘Yeah. Okay.’ ” They had many friends who had also registered as domestic partners, “but it’s different, it’s really different. And it feels different in a big way.”

Ray says, “When we decided to do this, there was the whole controversy that was going on through all of it. And being as active as we are, we’re a part of that whole movement of making sure people are educated about it. I’ve been out for God knows how many years, and I’ve paid the price at work quite a few times for being an out, gay man. But now, where it was a legal decision that we needed to make, it really shined a new light on everything. So we talked to make sure that this was really what we wanted to do. Because like any couple, gay or straight, it’s a big decision. I take it to heart, and I take it very serious because it’s not just a fact of how much I love him any more. It’s a fact of how much I love him, plus how our future’s gonna lay out. Can I get into a contract now with him? Because before, yeah, it was a contract, but being labeled a different thing made it different. So you’re looking at a yeah, yeah, whatever, it’s a domestic partnership, okay, yeah, I love you. We’ll be together. Yes, I’m glad we share some benefits, but now all of a sudden it’s like, Wow, this is really a legal document. This is really a legal stand. It took me back a bit. I knew I loved him, and I knew I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. But I wanted to make sure, because, you know, my parents were divorced. I have many, many, many friends that have gotten divorced. And I don’t want to be that. If there was any doubt in my mind, I wasn’t going to do it.

Paul adds, “I truly believe people should really wait and realize the serious commitment it is.”

They were married in their back yard, a lush enclave of carefully tended tropical plants. It was a double ceremony, with another couple who are good friends. Paul says, “It was a Hawaiian theme to go with the theme of our first ceremony. We had flowers, leis, all flown in from Hawaii.” Paul’s “best friends from Seattle, Wade and Jim, brought down their twin daughters, who were seven, and they were the flower girls. We had a little procession coming in. There were about a hundred people here. Everybody’s moms were here except mine. She lives in the Seattle area and is 82 now, so 81 last year, and was ill so couldn’t fly down.”

Darrell Steinberg performed the ceremony. He is the president pro tem of the state Senate and a good friend of Paul and Ray. “He’s been a strong, active champion for GLBT rights for a long time, and within the legislature has done more than most legislators. An official member of the GLBT Caucus and stood right there on HIV funding.”

“The Dean of our Cathedral who’s a very good close friend was here. We go to an Episcopal church and in the Episcopal church you still couldn’t get married as a gay couple. But he’s very much a supporter and even told us if he’d been a pastor of a small, rural church or something he would have broken the church rules but he realized that as the dean of a big cathedral he really had to set the standard and follow the rules. But he was here and as part of the ceremony gave an unofficial blessing. He said a Hawaiian wedding prayer and then a prayer in Hawaiian because he was a pastor in Hawaii.”

I ask if they used the same vows they used at their commitment ceremony in Hawaii. Paul says that he “tweaked them a little but I used mostly the same vows from the original ceremony.” Ray says, “You know that was so funny. I’m back to school full time and I work full-time, plus the activism I do. That takes a big chunk of my time. So as this was coming up, this was another big project, the wedding. I’d been so busy up until then I totally forgot to write my vows. So when we stood up there, I’m watching our other two friends bring out this little piece of paper and they read their vows, and I’m looking at everybody and I’m like, Oh shit! So I just had to speak it from my heart. And I think I had pretty much everybody in tears.” Paul affirms, “You did. We all did.”

I ask if they have the same anniversary for their wedding as for the commitment ceremony. Paul says, “We got married on September 20. Our anniversary from the Maui ceremony was October 7. It was the middle of the week so it just wasn’t gonna work.” Ray continues, “You know, we both believe that it’s like Valentine’s Day. There shouldn’t be one day you celebrate your love. Yes, we’ll always have our anniversary, we’ll always have our memories. We’ve got a beautiful photo album from Maui, and we’ve got another one we’re developing right now from our wedding in our new life, but to me the love is always shared. Yeah, am I gonna want to go out to dinner? Maybe he’ll buy dinner on the 7th of October and I’ll pay for it on the 20th of September.” Ray laughs, then says, “It’s one of those things where our anniversaries are special but it shouldn’t be any different from any other day.”

How is being married different? Paul says, “When you tell people you’re domestically partnered, you get the blank look on the faces. You don’t get the congratulations. It’s really just signing a paper that’s a legal acknowledgement. It doesn’t have the cultural significance that marriage has at all. Even our commitment ceremony, even though it had no significance legally, it had more cultural significance to our friends than did our becoming domestic partners. I don’t think we even really announced to anyone except for a few people that oh yeah we signed the papers because it was just a legal acknowledgement. Beyond that it had no cultural significance whatsoever. To go to anyone anywhere and say you got married, everyone gets that. Everyone says, ‘Congratulations!’ and ‘I’m so happy for you!’ You didn’t ever hear that when you say ‘I got DP’d.’ And the cultural significance of that on my soul and my being, and what that truly really means of that commitment there. To be no different than anyone else.”

Ray continues, “Once we were married, when we went down to the county clerk’s office and signed all the documents, right then and there it just kind of hit home. It was similar to the feelings we had when we were doing our ceremony in Maui, but this time it hit deeper and I felt uneasy at first because like I said this was something that I thought was never going to happen. Then I went to work, and oh my God! It was a whole different story. As a domestic partner I had him on my insurance policy and we were able to get his medical benefits. But I was unable to get him dental benefits. My company found a legal loophole where it’s federally mandated, instead of state mandated, and so I could put him on everything except for dental. I mean, how ridiculous is that? When I came back with the marriage certificate, I went right into HR and they’re like, ‘No problem, Ray, go online right now, put him on.’ Immediately I had him signed up for dental. But within 24 hours corporate came back and said ‘No. Because we’re waiting to see how Proposition 8 turns out.’ So they took it away immediately. And now I’m still unable to get him dental. That’s how silly that one word is. That one word made a big difference at work.”

Paul says, “We rarely use the word “husband” unless we’re trying to make a point with someone. I personally feel that “husband” is a proprietary title.” Ray adds, “It is. It’s like ownership.” Paul continues, “We’re still partners, but every once in a while, especially if I get one of the callers trying to sell some product for you and your wife, I’ll use husband, where I know that it will really get somebody’s attention. But on a regular day basis I just don’t like that term. Husband and wife is a very… It speaks to the whole proprietary system.”

Ray adds, “We’re in a partnership and even though we’re fighting for the word marriage, he’s my partner in life. That’s how I treat him. We’re still individual people, but we have a partnership with each other. Our relationship is based on understanding and mutual agreement. Like any other relationship, you’re still two separate human beings. You both have had different experiences growing up, and in your life, and then when you finally get married you’re creating a whole new world together. It’s based on your past, and you’re looking into your future.

“One thing that I treasure about being with Paul is the fact that I can talk to him about anything, and I know we can have an honest communication and dialogue with each other about it. That’s what I love about our relationship. There’s so much trust being built on knowing that we can understand and talk to each other. We may not agree on everything . . . .” Paul says, “We definitely don’t. But that’s part of it. If we agreed on everything then it’d be kind of boring. I’d say we are like soul partners. Not in just the typical romantic way but we complement each other. We’re very different in a lot of ways.”

Ray elaborates, “We’ll go into a party or a fundraiser and he’s the mix-and-mingle guy and I’m the guy who stands there and talks to people and really gets to know them. Then we get back into the car and I’ll say, ‘Did you realize that blah blah blah . . .?’ And I tell the whole story and he’s like, ‘Wow, you got all that?’ ” Both men laugh. Paul says, “But I’ve talked to three quarters of the people in the room. I’ll say, ‘Did you know who else was there?’ and Ray will say, ‘They were there? And they were there? I didn’t see them!’ ”

Ray continues, “It works out really well. But I think that’s also because we’re both older. We’re past those early points, the young and dumb, as I like to put it,” he laughs, “when we think we own the world. We think we know everything, and have a whole hell of a lot to learn still. And now it’s easier to admit and to say we don’t know everything, but also talk through it and work through it and be able to be vulnerable.” Ray says, “What I treasure now is the fact that what we have all new experiences. What we have together, we’re experiencing together. I really enjoy that part of it because it’s where the magic is.”

“ Being married gives me a sense of strength.”

Paul and David met at a stream in the mountains in 1992. David was rebuilding a hot spring as therapy for a back injury and Paul was revisiting a spot where he had spent time with his partner of 10 years, who had died two years before. “David came out of the river and came towards the trail and we started talking, and there was just something interesting about him. It was odd because I had just started coming out of my shell of grieving and I had dated maybe twice in the previous months. The shell went back up, the walls. I thought ‘I don’t need to love again, I had the love of my life.  There’s no one else out there who will ever be like Ray.”

They agreed to meet at the same spot a week later on the full moon.  Paul says, “We stayed there all night long.  2 o’clock, 3 o’clock. And then he drove back to Colusa, and I drove back to Pollock Pines. I put on Fleetwood Mac’s “You Make Love Fun,” and I was dancing around the house.  All of a sudden I felt some spark; something had happened. I felt that David was different, fun. He was a free spirit.  And that’s what I fell in love with.”

That was October. In December, Paul had to go to Atlanta to see his father who was ill. David came to housesit while Paul was gone. “Paul went away for two weeks and when he came back I stayed. We’ve never been apart since then.”

When Paul’s father died in March, Paul bought a ring and asked David to marry him at the river, where they met. David says, “I remember meeting him again. We always met at the river because he was 40 minutes away and I was a good hour away the opposite direction.  I was living at my parents’ house in Colusa because I had just had back surgery. I would be on the far side of the river looking up at these paths and waiting for him to come down.  Here I am in this State recreational area, picking a bouquet of wild flowers to give to the man that I love.  My heart . . . I was absolutely . . . I was in Colusa, and Colusa was for me was the straight world.  And then to come to the river and know this person was going to be there that I just adored, and I knew I loved, and I had flowers for him.  Just waiting for that moment to see him appear at the top of the trail. And sure enough he did every time.”

For Paul, “it took me longer to say I love you, even though the feelings were starting. I was letting my heart open again, and I thought I can’t . . . if I said that then I somehow had betrayed my relationship with Ray. It’s an odd thing that you hold on to. But finally I realized this was love, that I could love again.”

Paul continues, “When Ray died, I went to Social Security to add Ray’s name to mine. I hyphenated my name because we had always joked we would do that if we could marry.  And then he died in 1990. When I called to say he’d died and they needed to cut his benefits off they said, ‘Well you can’t have his benefits.’ I told them I wasn’t calling for that. I went to Social Security to change my name out of love, out of respect, but also a little bit of militant in me.  He’s part of me and I was going to show it. I went to the Social Security office in Placerville and they said, ‘You can’t do that. You can’t change it.  Who’s is this other name?’ I said he was a dear friend of mine that died.  They told me I couldn’t change it but I did.”

Paul’s friends were skeptical about the name change but David always understood. “I can’t think of any nicer way to honor the memory of somebody who is truly a part of you than to make it something that stays with you on a daily basis.  I couldn’t figure out why other people couldn’t process it the same way. When we first started seeing each other, Paul would put things of Ray’s away or whatever, and I’d find myself taking them out and saying, ‘No, those need to stay there for a while. That picture needs to stay there. We still need to have these kinds of representations around.’  That relationship, that marriage, is definitely something that paved the way for me to have something I never thought would happen in my life. To be loved and love in return doesn’t come up that often.  You can go head over heels for someone, but they don’t go for you.  When we finally do meet that person, that’s the most marvelous thing.”

David describes himself as “Dutch blunt.” “David’s Minnesotan.  Something about Midwestern men, the honesty and goodness. And David, he’s bluntly honest. I’ve had to get a very thick skin, because as Southerners you kind of cajole and compliment each other. You don’t really say the hair style sucks when it does.  You find something else to say. David will go right to the point.”

This trait came up when David’s mother came to visit them at Christmas after Paul and David had been together for two or three years. She asked David to have lunch with her in town. “So we went to a Lyon’s restaurant and Paul stayed home to work in the yard. I knew something was up. She either had something to tell me about grandma, or she had . . . .  I didn’t know what this was all about, but I figured there was a reason it was just us and not Paul.” As they were eating, “we were talking about Aunt Bernie in Minnesota and just everything under the sun.  I took a big old bite of my hamburger, and out of my mother’s mouth comes, ‘And by the way, David, are you and Paul having relations?’ ” David was uncomfortable because they were in the restaurant and said, “No.” But when they were “one step out of the restaurant, where I was alone with my mother looking at her face-to-face, I said ‘Mom, I’ve never lied to you about anything important. Yes, Paul and I are having relations.’  And she said, ‘Well, your father and I, we just wanted to know.’ And she said, ‘I’m glad that you found someone to love. I feel sorry right now for your sister because she hasn’t yet found someone to love.’ ”

When they got home, Paul was up on a ladder pruning a tree. “She walked over to that ladder, and she shook that thing so hard.  She said ‘Paul, come down here,’ and she gave him a hug.” “Since that time, my dad and I have sat out on our dock in Minnesota at sunset and we’ve talked about Paul and we’ve talked about our relationship.  We’ve talked about when my dad met my mom.  My dad is so accepting that the love of his son’s life is a man.  It doesn’t make any difference to him and I never thought that would be the case.  There’s just no difference.”

Paul says, “I learned about relationships from my parents.  I learned what a relationship could be. I learned about love stories from movies, or theater, or books.  But also in real life. I saw my parents, who . . . it wasn’t a perfect place.  They could argue, but they were each other’s best friends, and I could see the love that they had for one another and I knew their history, and when they met, and their marriage and all those wonderful stories I heard. So they gave me that, that’s an incredible gift.”

When the gay couples began getting married in 2008, they were not going to get married. “We thought about it, it was like, we don’t need to. We have durable powers of attorney. It’s been so long. I am married to you. Like the old Joni Mitchell song, ‘We don’t need no piece of paper from the City Hall.’  We never could. My entire life, getting married wasn’t an option.  So when it happened it was almost like a reality that’s looking at you that you can’t quite comprehend.”

But then, David says, “I just got a feeling all of a sudden of urgency.  I really got a feeling that we have an opportunity, this window is open.” They decided to get married in Sacramento, near their home. Paul says, “We’re not get-in-your-face people.  That’s just not who we are. It wasn’t to go in there and irritate anyone. Going in there, my stomach was turning.  I was very nervous.  I didn’t know what the reaction would be.  I didn’t know if there would be some hostility. Because the older I get, and the more that we come out, the more vocal hostility I hear that I didn’t hear years ago.”

They called a dear old friend and asked her to be their witness. “She was thrilled. She held our hands.  And we went down there, and everyone treated us perfectly. I didn’t realize we were going to have a ceremony there.  I thought we were just going to . . . I didn’t quite know what it was going to be.  And they took us into this room that had what looked like the prom decorations, but for my class in 1971.  The pinks were so faded . . . And all of a sudden this deputy starts with the ceremony, saying the exact words of a wedding ceremony.  We were holding hands looking at her, and all of a sudden we both start to tear up, you know, kind of stunned.  They’re going to say the same ceremony for us?”

David says,  “They said the same ceremony when my mom and dad went from Michigan to Illinois and eloped.  My mom and dad said the exact same vows that we said.”

Paul says, “There were two things as a boy that I dreaded. I’m pretty gregarious, but I’m shy in certain situations.  One, I didn’t want to be baptized.  We were Baptists in Alabama and I didn’t want to be plummeted into a tub in front of the entire church.  It petrified me.  Fortunately we left before that happened.  I was 5 years old when we went to the Methodists where they just sprinkle water on your head.  The other thing was that I didn’t want to ever have a wedding. I didn’t want to have to stand up in front of a bunch of people.  It’s weird. Stage fright? I don’t know what it is.  But David and I talked about this and I said, I guess I want to be married, but I don’t want a wedding. But that day in Sacramento was very, very important to us.”

They sent announcements to about 40 family and friends. David says, “The response was unbelievably positive.  It was tearful. Almost every day to go to the mailbox and have a card from someone I thought would not respond, wouldn’t care, or would not agree.”

Even though they had been together for 18 years before they were married, Paul says, “Within my family there’s been more of an inclusion of David now. I have one cousin that includes David’s name in letters, in phone conversations now. And that’s when I realized it is so important to a lot of people.  Maybe more important than I realized. Maybe that was what they were waiting for, to really legitimize the relationship.  Like, are they that serious that they will get married? And I thought, what did you think we were before?”

David talks about how being married has changed the way he interacts with people he knows only casually. “I have more courage in my life now. Like when I’m at the gym, or when I’m interacting with the people that are like your coffee klatch, the kind of  people that you chat with when you’re at the gym, or the store or that sort of thing.  Before I would say, ‘my partner’ if I thought it was the right person.  Or I would say, ‘I’ve got a roommate,’ because I could never judge people.  And there were a couple of people that I wouldn’t even approach with that.  I could just tell, they’re cut from that mold, and we’re in a social situation that I can’t, you know. . . I’ve gotten far better at it.  I’m not afraid now to say, ‘No, I’m married.’  Because loads of people that I just gab-chat with, they ask, ‘Are you married? Do you have children?’ And now I can’t just say, ‘No I’m not married.’

“Being married gives me a sense of strength to say to someone that we’re married. You say that and right away anyone thinks that’s more than ‘I live with someone,’ or that kind of thing. That’s what I’m learning to say, and enjoying saying it, actually. We’ll get braver as time goes by, I think.”

For Paul, “the only thing different is that at the doctor’s office I can check ‘married’ now.  Sometimes it stuns me that I can.  Once I forgot to do that. I went back and they said, ‘Any changes in your information?’ and I said, ‘Yes, I’m married now.’ ” Also, this year  “I got a valentine’s with ‘husband’ on it and I got my first birthday card with ‘husband’ on it. I thought that was really cool. It will take some time to get used to . . . ”

They describe their relationship as “unquestionable.  There aren’t doubts. There’s just a oneness that unites us. I sat in a doctor’s office one day and I listened to this old couple bickering and finishing each other’s sentences and blaming the other for who forgot the appointment card. I realized that day that you know you’re a couple when you start to do the blame game on the other because essentially you are blaming yourself.  I really am the one who forgot the appointment card, but I want to pull David into this because we’ve become one.  I find it’s almost like you’re sitting there arguing with yourself when you’re bickering with your partner, with your spouse, with your husband, with your wife. That’s when a couple become one and I think it’s lovely.

“It’s not about things with us.  Neither of us… we don’t have careers, we don’t have money.  Money has come our way, and we’ve had fun with it whenever that happens.  If it comes to a spiritual or the heart level of what we want to do, of something that we think is a good idea, there is never a question, never has been from the beginning: Should we give this to so-and-so? Or should we go and do this for this person? Every time, we click and we agree.”

David says, “I think above all is it’s a oneness, and a complete commitment no matter what, good, bad, sadness, happiness.  It is a complete and total commitment to the other person and a feeling of oneness.  A feeling of left-handed and right-handed, and together we move as one. That’s what it is.  We’re going to be together.  That’s it.”

I will be returning after Thanksgiving with some beautiful new stories. In the meantime, here are some pointers for creating your own stories.

The folks at Storycorps have declared the day after Thanksgiving a National Day of Listening, and I think it’s a fantastic idea. I cannot tell you how much pleasure I get from hearing people’s stories. And mostly I have been interviewing people I have never met before. Imagine how wonderful it would be to sit down with a parent, grandparent, or even a sibling and give them your undivided attention to tell you about some part of their lives that has special meaning.

Even if you don’t record the interview, I guarantee you will hear something wonderful that you never expected to hear.

“I’m a real person now. I’m a full citizen. I’m a real human.”

Alix and Tara met in 2001, in Lexington, Kentucky, where Alix had gone for a doctoral program and where Tara lived with her family. There was a group of women, the Lexington Lesbians, who would meet for breakfast once a month. Alix says, “We had both just come out in late 2000, just figured it out ourselves. I was sitting there eating my eggs one morning and I looked up and there was this beautiful girl. I thought, ‘That’s the one!’ I was sitting with a couple of women who had been married for about 20 years and I said, ‘There’s no way I’m going to go talk to that beautiful girl!’ but one of them said, ‘Oh no, there’s no way you’re going to let this pass. You’re going to go talk to her!’ And one of them literally grabbed me by the arm, dragged me out of the booth and made me go talk to ‘that pretty girl.’ ” She laughs.

Read the rest of this entry »

A quick comment on a personal level. My phone rang around 4 this afternoon. It was my mother. “I just heard the most wonderful news on Talk of the Nation!” She sounded bubbly, practically giggling. My mother is not a bubbly person.

It having been an incredibly crappy news day from my perspective–all else aside, the highest court in California announced that it was a-okay for a bare majority of voters to take a fundamental right from a minority–I was excited to hear some good news.

“What’s that?” I asked.
“You and Theresa are still married!” Her voice emanated joy in a way I have rarely heard.

We talked for a while, and I explained to her why, while I am of course delighted that our marriage was not nullified, I am not very happy with the decision in general. When we got off the phone, she was still giddy. “I’m still so happy that you are married.”

Marriage–the word, as much as the rights that go with it–matters to mothers whose children are married.

Russ and Rich

Sometimes the old saws prove true. Even before I met Russ and Rich, I knew this was a case of opposites attract. Russ is a trial lawyer and the current president of the Bar Association of San Francisco. He is outgoing and social, a complete extrovert. The first time I spoke with him he told me that he would love to participate in the project, and that the odds of getting his husband Rich to participate were slim. Sure enough, when the day of the interview rolled around, Rich had made plans to come home at 7, an hour after we were scheduled to start the interview. Over the course of our conversation Russ talked about how different they are, and how part of being in a successful relationship has been letting the other person be true to what he is comfortable with, and navigating the shoals of their different personalities.

“It was one of those first moment things.” It was December 26, 1982, and Russ and Rich were introduced to each other at the bar around the corner from Russ’s house. “I had just ended a relationship that I had been in for 5 years. His family pressured him to think he might not be gay and he left me. It was tragic. This was a just a year before meeting Rich. Rich was with someone but it wasn’t a good relationship. I didn’t like the fact that he was in a relationship and I had been so deeply hurt. But we hit it off. I knew I could be hurt again and I didn’t want to be hurt. It was so painful. So we dated. But Rich felt like it was too much pressure. So we start to do other things . . .” Russ laughs, “for like, 10 minutes.”

“Then he called and asked me out again. We met at Liverpool Lil’s. And I’ll never forget sitting there and looking at each other and thinking, ‘This is it.’ You know that moment where you look at each other and ask, ‘Do you want to do this? Are you ready to do this?’ and you say, ‘Yes,’ even though you don’t know where it’s going to get you because you are two guys in a not-two-guys world. But we were never shy about it. We moved in together about 6 or 9 months later.

“We exchanged rings in 1985. We had our own little ceremony by ourselves. We gave each other our rings. We both wanted to. It was great.”

They registered as domestic partners when they were buying property because the lender wanted it. “For me, being a domestic partners isn’t it. You do it for the bank, so the bank can collect from your partner. It’s to the bank’s advantage. What’s a civil union? For what? For whom? It’s not the same thing. It’s still not recognized federally. If something God forbid was to happen to me, Rich should get my social security. We take care of each other. We take care of family. Lots of heterosexuals don’t have kids, but they take care of family. They take care of community.

“We never had a commitment ceremony other than that everybody knew we were committed and that we were family taking care of each other, doing what you do as family. I’ve always gone on the assumption that our relationship sustains itself and has never needed or required some external force to keep us together. We are here because of who we are and we keep each other together. And the other stuff is wonderful: the sense of community is wonderful. And we have that.”

Their immediate families are very accepting of them as a couple. “I have nieces and nephews who are totally grown up now and I have seen them in completely third party places introducing people to their uncles. And it always strikes me how it just rolls off. To me that’s wonderful. I don’t know how to describe that sort of feeling. We’ve always been very strong that way.

“In 2004 we were married at City Hall in that era of protest. If I had just said to Rich, do you want to go get married? he’d have said, ‘Are you crazy?’ The last thing he wants is to be on TV. But he decided that we should do it when President Bush started talking about introducing a constitutional amendment. When he did that, we said, ‘let’s go.’ My law partner came down with his wife and they took pictures. We ended up on TV because some very radical Christians—and I don’t like to say that because I grew up in the church—but they came in with their bibles and their crosses and started singing. And we all started singing America The Beautiful, and we outsang them!

I ask who was there. “You didn’t get to plan for this. You didn’t have time to invite people. It was almost more of a civil rights statement than a real wedding event. But I tell you, when I walked out of City Hall, I called my dad and said, ‘Guess what? We just got married!’

“My law partner’s wife is Japanese. He told his son, ‘you know up until a few years before your mother and I got married, we couldn’t get married either.’ His son has joined the gay/straight alliance at his school and he was able to be at our wedding in 2004, too.

“In 2008, I was sitting in bed next to Rich, and I had been very involved with civil rights in many forms for years. It’s a passion for me. I was holding his hand, and I said, ‘will you marry me?’ and he said ‘yes.” It was that simple.’ ” Russ smiles mischievously. “And I thought, ‘Gotcha!’ ”

“We picked a date when a judge who is an old friend of mine was available. We had about 25 people. Rich’s father passed away when he was 60. But his mom was here. She said, ‘it’s about time!’

“It was October 26, a Sunday afternoon. It was really nice. It was a lot of fun. We were very spontaneous. We said a few things but there wasn’t a lot of talking. We told our friends that we wanted future generations to be able to do this.”

What has changed since getting married? “Not a heck of a lot. Truly, not a heck of a lot has changed. Every once in a while I think about it and I think, ‘Wow! I’m married!’
We’re flying to Italy in May and I can’t wait to fill out the immigration form when we come back and check ‘married.’

“After Prop 8 had passed I was installed as the president of the Bar Association of San Francisco. I introduced Rich as my spouse and I said that no voters could take away our rings. And they just applauded the heck out of him. I can remember interviewing at law firms for positions years ago and making it really plain up front that I’m with Rich and have been all these years. The fact that I would have to do that is telling.

“I’ve always been out there. Rich is much more reserved. It’s much easier to know who you are than pretend you aren’t. It’s funny because you live a life and you have to live with both people. And when you’re sharing with community you have to be sensitive to your partner’s outlook and make sure that he is as comfortable as you are and that you do things that make him comfortable. I say to people all the time that being gay is like being anything else; not everyone is the same. It’s like anything else, we’re all different. I never would have thought that I would have met Rich.

“I would describe our relationship as committed, deep and nonsuperficial, understanding, caring, and very compromising.” He laughs. “Every once in a while I’m on the bus, or walking and I think to myself, ‘I love him!’ I don’t like him all the time, but I love him. Sometimes he drives me crazy. That’s why I said to you maybe you’ll get to see him tonight and maybe you won’t. But he’s let me be just totally out there and crazy all these years.”

Jim and Bill
Being domestic partners was binding legally. “This is binding emotionally.”

Jim and Bill met in Minnesota 25 years ago this September. “This was in the days of the old technology when you had to put an ad in the paper to meet someone. Neither of us was really out. But Jim put an ad in the weekly, and I responded.” They went on a few dates around Christmas time. Jim continues, “There was a juicier side to the story. The first few dates we went on were just physical, sexual. Then I was at a Christmas party, three sheets to the wind, and got the courage to call Bill and ask if I could come over. He was doing dishes and hesitated. So I said, ‘Look, why don’t we do this. I’m going into work tomorrow so if you want to continue this give me a call and we’ll go from there. So sure enough, at exactly the time I asked him to call, he called. And for the next year and a half we dated, got to know each other. There’s a complicating factor to all of this because at the time I was married.” Bill was “out to a few friends and my family, but not to many people,” and Jim was “in the process of dealing with it. I knew but I wasn’t really at the point where I had accepted it.”

They came out to their families, and moved to California because of Jim’s job. Bill says, “That didn’t go over well with the family. That I was gay and that we were leaving. They were of the generation that thought I was leaving a perfectly good job to do . . . what, exactly? in California. And I was following ‘this guy’ out there that they had just met. It was an interesting time.”

They talked about having a commitment ceremony but never did. Bill says, “It was curious because we talked about it every now and then. When the Secretary of State offered gay couples ‘unincorporated associations’ in 1991 we did that. There was something in the newspaper saying that it didn’t mean anything. But it was symbolic so we did it.” This predated even California’s domestic partnership statute, and when that was available they registered. “We never really celebrated that. We just did it. We registered as domestic partners. But we never really celebrated until our 20th anniversary. Then we had a really great and fun party.”

Then “we decided one day that it was time to get rings, so we did. The lady who sold them to us was ecstatic. I think that’s why we bought them there. It was amazing how enthusiastic she was, in Ventura especially at that time. We would take the rings back to get them cleaned and she would say ‘I remember you!’ ”

In 2003 Jim and Bill moved to Napa for Bill’s job. The job changed, but they decided to stay. They did not get married in 2004. “We decided not to. There was some ambiguity if you were registered domestic partners, if you got married, what would happen with those rights. We didn’t want to jeopardize what we had with the domestic partnership registry. We talked about it and decided to let it settle.”

In December 2003, they bought a home in the Silverado Country Club. “When we bought the place, the bylaws said that only a husband and wife could become members together as member and spouse. I never really wanted to live in a country club but we loved the house. Before we bought the house I went to the office and asked what we needed to do to become members of the country club. The woman asked me, ‘What does your wife do?’ And I said, ‘Well, it’s a he.’ There was a pause and she said, ‘Well, we don’t really recognize that.’ ” They were told that Bill could be the member and Jim could be the guest or vice-a-versa but that they could not both be members. They decided they wanted to buy the house anyway. They provided references, which included the district attorney and the district supervisor as well as other prominent members of the Napa community. Bill says, “The membership clerk called us and said again, ‘You have impeccable references but our bylaws don’t allow you both to be members so one of you will have to be the member and one will have to be the guest. Who do you want to be the member?’ We told them we both wanted to be members.

“We were aware that a lesbian couple was challenging a similar rule in Southern California so we decided to wait and see what happened with that. In July of 2005 the California Supreme Court ruled in their favor. We sent a nice letter to the membership office. They wrote back and told us that they could use our old application, but that they needed to see a certified copy of our domestic partnership certificate. That outraged us and we almost asked if they asked married couples to see a copy of their marriage certificates but we decided to just give it to them. Then we got a call from the president who told us that the application looked good but they needed some time to change their bylaws, which they did.

“But the interesting part of the story is the members here. Of the 1,000 members we are the only gay couple that we know of that are ‘resident member and spouse.’ There are a few people who turn and walk the other way when they see us coming. But most of the members have been really supportive and are really happy that we’re here.”

In 2006, “as the issue was starting to ferment with the Supreme Court we did all the legal stuff. We hired an attorney who specialized in domestic partnership and got all of our paperwork in order, wills, trusts, powers of attorney and medical directives.”

In 2008 they got married. “It wasn’t a whimsical thing. It was well thought out. We had to do this. Whether they take it away or not, we have a responsibility to take advantage of it. There’s a whole set of rights, but there’s a whole set of responsibilities, too. But for us, the legal part wasn’t as big as the emotional part. I don’t think we expected it to be as emotional as it was.”

“We weren’t sure if our parents would come. They’ve been supportive, but they haven’t gone out of their way. But when we told them we were getting married they all said, ‘Of course we’ll come!’ ”

Jim had mixed feelings about his parents being there. “They’ve always seemed to put up with it, but they don’t embrace it. And you learn to accept that and you don’t expect anything else. My parents are both born again Christians. I think my mom wants to embrace it more than my dad. We are going back to Minnesota soon for my mom’s 81st birthday and my parents’ 60th anniversary. And you would think that after 25 years you’d be past the ‘there’s something we need to talk about’ point. But they live in a really small town in Minnesota and go to an evangelical church. So they say, ‘you are both welcome but don’t be obvious that you’re a couple.’ My older brother is a highway cop and he hasn’t quite accepted us. But my second youngest brother David had a talk with him and told him, basically, ‘Get over it.’ ”

Bill adds, “When your parents had their 30th wedding anniversary, the family made it clear that I wasn’t welcome. And when Jim’s older brother’s daughter got married 2 or 3 years ago I wasn’t welcome.” Jim continues, “When my niece was going to get married we said were going to be there, and they said great. And a while later we said, ‘We’re really looking forward to it!’ And again they said, ‘Great!’ But then as we got closer to the day they said, ‘Oh, there’s something we need to talk about,’ and sure enough they told me, ‘You’re welcome but Bill isn’t.’ ”

Jim says, “For our wedding, my older brother wasn’t planning to come. But he called one day and told me that he was trying to work out flights to come to ‘the event,’ as he called it.”

Bill continues, “Once they were here, they suddenly invited us to come to all sorts of things. Which was a big change. They were here a couple of years ago and didn’t see us at all. But they came to the wedding and have been engaging ever since.”

Jim adds, “I’d say that was a success story. It’s a big step forward. I don’t know what the difference is, if it’s that we’ve been together for 24 years, or the fact that my brother is older now, or that he’s dealing with some of his own issues, or that my younger brother talked to him, or maybe just that once he put his guard down a little bit he realized that we’re not weird people and we don’t do anything different from he and his wife. We found some common ground. It turns out that we all like wine, and some of the same wines. Once he got past this one little thing he realized we’re a lot alike.”

Jim has a 24-year old daughter who gave them both away at the wedding. Jim’s ex-wife came, too. She visits them often and stays with Jim and Bill while she is in town.

Bill’s father passed away about 4 months before the wedding, but his mother was there. Jim says, “Of the four parents, your dad had come the farthest. He knew we were going to get married when he passed away and he really wanted to come.” Bill’s sister was the first person he told that he was gay and she has always been supportive. She came to the wedding though her husband told them he would not be there “for religious reasons.”

They wrote their own ceremony. It was performed by a rabbi and by a friend who had worked towards becoming to be a priest. The ceremony was not religious, but they did have a ketubah.

The ceremony was “like we are; comfortable and casual. The guests were a cross-section of the people we know and like, gay and straight. We talked in the ceremony about the circles: the core is your family, and then there is a bigger circle of acquaintances, but then there is this third group, the people we call friends. And we said, ‘those are the people who are here today, the people who we choose to be in our lives. And we hope that you get as much out of knowing us as we get out of knowing you.’

“It was extremely emotional. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house, including one of the conservative supervisors who looked around and said, ‘You guys know a lot of different people!’ Our neighbors are generally conservative, but they came and had had a great time. It was emotional, and serious funny and whimsical and casual. And then we had square-dancing!”

Has anything changed since getting married? Jim says, “For me, the feelings are a lot stronger. I feel more connected. Going through the process made me feel more emotionally strong about it. Not that it was not that way before, it just takes it to another level.”

Bill says, “It just feels more normal because we’ve been recognized by society as being a couple and not just by some domestic partner law but by the same law that every other married couple is recognized by. That makes a difference; we are not different, we are not domestic partners—that’s different than being married. I think that’s why we did become domestic partners but why I never liked that. It’s still separate. Why shouldn’t it just be equal?” Jim adds, “When we were talking before about having the lawyer draw up the paperwork, that was binding legally. This was binding emotionally. And community-wise, too.”

Asked to describe their relationship, Bill says, “Jim is my best friend; we are inseparable. We hate being apart.” Jim says, “The first word that comes to mind is complete and the second word is comfortable. Not in a boring way. It’s complete, integrated, comfortable. We want the same thing for dinner even when we haven’t been together all day. He’s good at certain things and I’m good at others. He’s very mechanical and I’m not; I start talking money and his eyes glaze over. I end up doing more of the inside stuff, you do more of the outside stuff.”

In this month’s Shambala Sun, Steve writes eloquently about what being married to Keith means to him. The whole article is wonderful, and I found these words a particularly powerful articulation of why marriage matters:

Suddenly Keith and I found ourselves at the flash point of a raging culture war. Did we have to call it marriage? Wasn’t that an unnecessary provocation for those who take that word to mean getting to the church on time? What about framing our commitment with a less confrontational term like “civil union?”

Certain words, however, have alchemical power. A humble noun or verb can become a transformative mantra. Embracing the word “marriage” had a subtle but profound effect on our relationship, like unlocking a door to a secret garden that only other married people know about. Now our job was to care for that garden together—to nourish it, weed it when necessary, and give it the compassion and space it needs to grow and flourish.

Read the rest of Steve and Keith’s story here.